It has been a long time since my last post. A lot has happened over the past three months and bit by bit I will write about it. For now, I need to get this particular thought out of my mind and onto paper, so to speak. I wrote this to my friend about a week ago. I have expanded upon it and would like to share it with you.
I’m sitting here looking at my scars and thinking, “Isn’t it amazing how the body heals itself?” We are so wonderfully and fearfully made. When we burn our skin or cut ourselves (obviously serious accidents aside) our bodies know what to do. God made us so that we regenerate, not just physically but mentally and emotionally, too. Through his love our hearts and minds can be healed. Heartbreak and loss get easier. Like a scar, it is still there, you don’t forget about it, but it isn’t an open wound that every time something touches it you wince in pain. Proverbs 4:23 (NIV) says Above all else, guard your heart, for everything you do flows from it. We protect ourselves every day – Sunscreen, seat-belts, shoes, umbrellas, jackets, gloves, etc and yet, what are we doing to protect our heart?
Now, here is where I begin to wonder – At what point do I let my heart become susceptible to heartbreak? How do I know when the right time will be to let others in? At some point I have to take a risk in order to gain, so how do I guard my heart as I do this?
I’m mostly talking about entering into a relationship with someone or even just letting someone know that you like them. I’m a girl, should I let him pursue me and HOPE that he realizes that I like him? Or should I break that tradition and just let him know how I feel? Where do I draw the line between opening myself up to something potentially amazing, a lifelong partner and not letting myself get too wrapped up in a crush when there is potential that my feelings are not reciprocated?
I don’t have an answer to this. If I did, I wouldn’t be sitting here wondering all of these “what if’s.”
The only answer that I can come up with is to let Jesus be my guard. I mean, He’s in there anyway, He doesn’t have far to go. Might as well let Him in on my love life since, ya know, God IS love.
Now here is the update to that:
I have a love/hate relationship with crushes. It was the worst of times. It was the best of times. But, mostly it’s the worst. I have a lingering crush on someone. God and I are working on it because I don’t believe this guy is interested. I’m not going to ask about it. I’m not going to pursue it. I’m going to let God have control. God will be my matchmaker.
About a month ago I trusted God completely to help me find an apartment. There were ups and downs, for sure, but all throughout the process, God kept reminding me that he would provide. All I had to do was listen and obey. I actually think that my experience with finding a place to live is rather telling. The first apartment that I really really wanted, that I thought was the perfect one for me, that was beautiful and would be an answer to my prayers ended up not being what God had planned for me. I truly was heartbroken. Seriously. I looked at the next apartment with tears in my eyes because I had wanted that apartment so much. But, it wasn’t for me. That wasn’t in God’s plan.
I think this guy is actually like that apartment. He isn’t for me. I want him to be, but he is meant for someone else.
I have to move on. I have to have that same faith that God has someone just as amazing and totally suited for me just waiting to pursue me.
Which, by the way, is what I want. I want to be pursued. Big time. Just as much as God is pursuing me.
Example – Last night at church, I was feeling very down, like I wasn’t good enough, I didn’t do a good job singing and I didn’t deserve to be on the worship team. Yeah, I know, CRAZY thoughts. Anyway, my pastor got up to speak her message and she asked where I was. I raised my hand and proceeded to give me a wonderful word of encouragement that just melted my heart. God knew what I needed. I needed to hear those words. “You’re doing a good job.”
It’s a beautiful thing to know that God is pursuing me. That he loves me unfailingly and faithfully. Relentlessly.
This is my prayer – that I will know more of God’s love so that I may be ready for love. That when the time is right, God will make it obvious who I am meant to be with. Until then, strength and comfort and a quick moving on period!