I’ve missed you

It’s been a long time. I shouldn’t have left you, without a dope beat to step t… wait. That’s just Aaliyah lyrics.

But, seriously. It has been two months since my last post.  A LOT has happened in those past two months.  The biggest thing? A guy. Yeah! (cue girly giggle) I did not see that one coming. But, oh my goodness, God is good. Someday I will delve into all of that, but for now, let’s just keep that at “God is GOOD.”

My last post was about financial stewardship and I was very worried about money. I have gotten better about that. The worrying part, I mean. God is my provider. He won’t let me be broke and destitute. I did, however, change my tithing. I may have mentioned that, but if not, I was tithing HALF of what they say one “should” be tithing. I guess the key percentage is 10% of your gross income. So, I changed it to be the average of what I think is my gross per week. It changes every week, so I can’t pin point it exactly. (I could, but if I try to do that each week, I WILL forget about it altogether).

Changing my tithe money is really more about me saying, this money doesn’t belong to me, it’s God’s money. It’s a heart thing more than anything and God knows our hearts. So, He’s got this one.

I have decided, however, that my time at my survival job is coming to an end. I don’t know when that date is, but it is coming. God and I are going to work on that. My dream right now is to be a figure skating coach and an actor. That’s what I want to be doing. I started skating when I was 10 and stopped around 21, but I still love it. I love seeing little kids progressing and I love being a part of their journey. I’m discovering how much I love to coach others. If you don’t mind, keep me in your prayers about that.

This season I led a community group on acting. I LOVE coaching actors. I think part of my coaching style stems from coaching that I have received from others, but ultimately I just want to help other actors succeed and grow in their craft. If I could make that part of my everyday life, I absolutely would. It’s a wonderful feeling to watch people step into their own.

Anyway, I’ll conclude this for today. It’s a bit of a scattered post, but my thoughts will become more clear as I begin to write more. I really hope that you enjoy your day today.

All in God’s timing

I am going to admit something to you.
I applied to be on a reality dating television show through a major cable network. Yeah, I know. Hah!
I made it to the semi final round of callbacks before I called it quits. I had some reservations about doing the show. I wasn’t sure that it would be good for my acting career, I wasn’t sure that I actually wanted to find my potential mate or if I wanted the money and I was concerned that they would take advantage of me being a Christian and portray me through crafty editing as a “crazy Christian.” I am not a crazy Christian. Just so you know. Haha!
I had been going back and forth with my decision to go forward with the show and it was crunch time. I was to meet with producers within a couple days. I got to church that Sunday and decided to ask God one last time. “Should I do this show??”

No.

It swept over me. I could feel it in the depths of my heart and soul. I said, “Okay, God. I want you to be my provider and my matchmaker. I will not do the show.”

A couple weeks later I get a call from the Artistic Director of the playhouse back home asking me if I wanted to audition for their next show. I said, “Sure!” Then a week or two after that I found out that I got the job and I would be away from the city for five weeks.

Well, as soon as I found out I posted on Facebook that I needed someone to sublet my room for those five weeks. In less than a minute, possibly even less than thirty seconds, I had found someone.

If I hadn’t obeyed God’s instructions I would have never gotten to spend time with my mom for her last five weeks on earth. All I had to do was ask, listen and obey Him. God planned the rest of it. Right down to that thirty second response time.

God is good. He is the King of Awesome.

It is all in his timing.

I’ve done a lot for my soul today

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It has been a week since I left NYC for Upstate NY. I initially thought I would be picking up shifts at a few stores here in town, but so far, that has not happened. So, for this past week I have had a lot of time to myself. I live by myself in a huge apartment (by NYC standards anyway) and I don’t have a car here so I rely on my sister or father. Every morning I wake up, take my time getting ready, spend quiet time with God – praying and singing worship songs. It has been awesome.

A few posts back I talked about how I had done a lot for my stomach. Since then I have tried to do a lot for other things. My soul especially. I don’t know when it happened exactly, but I have stopped over-eating, I am eating healthier food and eating much less sugar.

I think I traded feeling full in my belly with feeling full in my spirit. Since finding out that I would be leaving for five weeks, I decided to try and spend as much time with the people I love most. Which, in the city, means friends, since I don’t have family there. When I spent more time on my relationships with others my relationship with myself grew. Seems a bit strange, but it totally makes sense to me now. When I spent more time in fellowship with others, I spent more time in fellowship with God and ultimately relinquishing control to God. It is actually quite freeing to not be in control. To let my creator have control again. He will always have my best interest at heart. He will never fail me. I will fail me. Other people will fail me. But, He, He will always have me.

I’m learning to love boldly. It’s still a struggle sometimes but, it sure is a wonderful journey. I am learning to love and honor my friends, and especially my family, BOLDLY, to ask for help BOLDLY, to face my fears BOLDLY, to go for what I want BOLDLY, and to let God take control BOLDLY.

Oh, goodness, that makes me excited. I just want to keep living boldly so that I keep my spirit alive and full.

More than ever, on this beautiful Resurrection Day, I hope you Enjoy Life.

All the world’s a stage

I’m doing a play!

Many of you know that I went to school for theatre and moved to NYC to pursue acting. I have done one reading, two plays and a couple on camera things since moving there. I also got a commercial agent back in January. The fact that I’m actually getting paid to do a show is fantastic. The fact that I get to be in my hometown is even more fantastic. I think. So far, yes. I’m saving money on rent, making money and getting to be with my family. Woo!

I will admit, though, that I’m asking God as I am up here doing this play if acting is what I am called to do. It’s a tough business full of rejection and costs more money to TRY to be an actor than it does to actually be an actor.

As a Christian, I would love to be that person that shares her faith with the world of entertainment. Being able to share the truth and the love of God would be an amazing opportunity. I want people to know that God loves them no matter what. That when people tell them otherwise, they are lying to them and to themselves. As John 3:16 says, God sent his ONLY Son as a sacrifice for us because He loved us SO much. So, why would that ever change? His love is constant!

The ‘business’ always says that if acting isn’t your passion, get out, it’s too hard. Well, God is my passion first and foremost (though, He wasn’t always) and with God, nothing is too hard. I just want to know if that is what God wants me to do.

I know He wanted me to go to NYC. Acting was how he got me there. My church and He are why I’m staying there. So, where does acting fit in? Is that my career? If so, for how long? Do I go back to being a figure skating coach? How do I break into that arena?
(Hah! Pun. That’s a pun.)

For now, I will enjoy my time here. I will keep living day to day, moment to moment because that’s all I can do – is to just be present.

Incredibly on purpose

I have been pretty good about posting at least once a week, if not more. However, March has been really busy for me. It’s not that I haven’t thought about posting, I have, but my time just seemed to be more important elsewhere. Until now. I still have lots to do, but I needed to get some of my thoughts into writing. For some of you, this might get weird. It might make you uncomfortable. I say good. Keep reading.

A friend of mine came to stay with me last weekend. On Friday night we saw Kari Jobe in concert. I even won free tickets through their Facebook event! So, a couple more of my friends got to go. The concert was amazing. It was so great to see so many people coming together from different churches and different places to worship God with Kari. A lot of amazing things happened that weekend.

During one of the songs (I wish I could remember which one) I had closed my eyes and the lights from the stage kept flashing across my eyes, bright and then dark, bright and then dark. At the time, I wasn’t sure if what I was seeing in the dark was real or not, but I strained my eyes to see (with eyes closed still) the image that was forming. There were letters. Huge silver block letters that kind of looked like the surface of those fake tiaras a little girl would buy from Claire’s at the mall.  The last three letters were very clear – IVE. I waited a few more flashes of light to make out the first letter – R. RIVE. Rive? I wasn’t sure that was even a word. So, I Googled it and sure enough, it is a word. Rive means to rend or tear apart, to break into pieces, to split asunder. I was curious why I would see a word that I don’t know. Rive isn’t very commonly used these days. But, I just let it be for a bit.

I told my friend about it the next day and we tried to figure it out, but to no avail. It wasn’t until we got to church on Sunday (we were a little late, oops) and started singing that all of a sudden it hit me. Here are some of the lyrics (and a link to the video) to the song we were singing: Spirit break out, break our walls down, Spirit break out, Heaven come down.

Whoa. That’s it! Spirit, rive our walls down, rive the Heavens apart and get down here! We need it! We need You!

Now, I have never experienced this before. I’ve never gotten words or images that I thought were coming from God. Obviously, I daydream, I play images in my head all the time, but this was different. At one point in my life I would have thought this was crazy and just disregarded it. But, the revelation that I got on Sunday was so clear. When I truly listen to what God wants me to know I get this peaceful feeling – a feeling of rest, like I don’t have to keep looking.

I realize that some of you will probably say that’s just a coincidence, but I don’t think God does coincidences. God is incredibly on purpose.

I think God wants to rive the Heavens open and pour down on us and fill the earth with His presence. I truly believe that God has great things in store for NYC and the church as a whole.  It is pretty awesome.Image

Source: kellymcilvenny.com

 

You’re beautiful

Caution: This post is about to get real. For some of you, hold tight, this might make you uncomfortable for a little bit, but read to the end. That’s where it gets really good.

“You’re beautiful.”

That’s what Jesus wanted to tell me last night. Yeah, to the average person, that sounds a little crazy, but I will tell you why it is not.

I am part of a community group through my church that is currently reading and discussing Zack Neese’s book How to Worship a King. This is only my second time in my 27 years on earth (the first time was only this past Fall) that I have ever been a part of a “Bible study” – I put that in quotes because, in this case, we aren’t necessarily studying the Word of God, but rather the worship of God, although, really, you can’t have one without the other.  God has been working diligently in my life to bring me closer to Him. However, it seems as though every time something big happens something else happens to diminish the Joy and revelation that I felt.  On Sunday, I asked God for guidance on something that I just didn’t have an answer for and I heard a resounding NO. That was huge for me. To really feel God’s presence and KNOW that my prayer had been answered. 

So, last night, as we were discussing the second chapter of our book, I listened to my peers referencing scripture, other books of relevance, podcasts/sermons that they were listening to and I started to think, “why don’t you know all this stuff?” “How come you can’t quote scripture?” “Why aren’t you good enough?” “You need to read more.”

These thoughts started to take hold of my attention. Soon that was all I could think about. I was beating myself up for not being on the exact same journey as everyone else. I knew what was happening and how ridiculous it was, but I just couldn’t fight feeling that way.

I knew I needed to intercede, so when it came time for prayer requests, I made sure, as hard as it was, to share my thoughts. I couldn’t leave there without some comfort.  As my friend started to pray for me, the first words out of her mouth were, “Father, I just want Becky to know how beautiful she is.” Now, at first, I heard that and thought, “Oh, that’s nice” But, then another friend told me that he felt God wanted to tell me that I am beautiful. Beautiful? Why that word? It seemed totally unrelated to what my concerns had been. What did that mean?

I went home and kept thinking about it, looking at myself in the mirror, asking if I thought I was beautiful or not because I thought He meant physical beauty. I mean, yes, almost everyday I look at my body and nitpick. I see my belly protruding, I see the love handles that could be flatter, I see the stretch marks that I think shouldn’t be there, I see the keratosis pilaris on my legs that has embarassed me since I was a child, I see the abnormal curvature of my spine that makes me look like a hunchback and I see the dark circles under my eyes that just never go away, even with makeup on. I could keep going, but, honestly, that wasn’t what He meant. Not completely.

The word ‘beauty’ means “the quality or aggregate of qualities in a person or thing that gives pleasure to the senses or pleasurably exalts the mind or spirit.”  Now the word ‘exalt’ means to elevate by praise or in estimation : glorify.

So, beauty, in this case, is the quality of a person that pleasurably exalts/glorifies the spirit.

Wow.

Yes. I am so full of Beauty. I am. I pleasurably exalt/glorify the Holy Spirit. I desire to be more and more beautiful in the eyes of God every single day. God just wanted to remind of that.

So, no more comparing myself to others. I don’t need it. God loves me for me (and you for you).Image