This is needed

Hi friends!

It has been a long time since my last post. A lot has happened over the past three months and bit by bit I will write about it. For now, I need to get this particular thought out of my mind and onto paper, so to speak. I wrote this to my friend about a week ago. I have expanded upon it and would like to share it with you.

I’m sitting here looking at my scars and thinking, “Isn’t it amazing how the body heals itself?” We are so wonderfully and fearfully made. When we burn our skin or cut ourselves (obviously serious accidents aside) our bodies know what to do. God made us so that we regenerate, not just physically but mentally and emotionally, too. Through his love our hearts and minds can be healed. Heartbreak and loss get easier. Like a scar, it is still there, you don’t forget about it, but it isn’t an open wound that every time something touches it you wince in pain. Proverbs 4:23 (NIV) says Above all else, guard your heart, for everything you do flows from it. We protect ourselves every day – Sunscreen, seat-belts, shoes, umbrellas, jackets, gloves, etc and yet, what are we doing to protect our heart?

Now, here is where I begin to wonder – At what point do I let my heart become susceptible to heartbreak? How do I know when the right time will be to let others in? At some point I have to take a risk in order to gain, so how do I guard my heart as I do this?
I’m mostly talking about entering into a relationship with someone or even just letting someone know that you like them. I’m a girl, should I let him pursue me and HOPE that he realizes that I like him? Or should I break that tradition and just let him know how I feel? Where do I draw the line between opening myself up to something potentially amazing, a lifelong partner and not letting myself get too wrapped up in a crush when there is potential that my feelings are not reciprocated?

I don’t have an answer to this. If I did, I wouldn’t be sitting here wondering all of these “what if’s.”

The only answer that I can come up with is to let Jesus be my guard. I mean, He’s in there anyway, He doesn’t have far to go. Might as well let Him in on my love life since, ya know, God IS love.

Now here is the update to that:

I have a love/hate relationship with crushes. It was the worst of times. It was the best of times. But, mostly it’s the worst. I have a lingering crush on someone. God and I are working on it because I don’t believe this guy is interested. I’m not going to ask about it. I’m not going to pursue it. I’m going to let God have control. God will be my matchmaker.

About a month ago I trusted God completely to help me find an apartment. There were ups and downs, for sure, but all throughout the process, God kept reminding me that he would provide. All I had to do was listen and obey. I actually think that my experience with finding a place to live is rather telling. The first apartment that I really really wanted, that I thought was the perfect one for me, that was beautiful and would be an answer to my prayers ended up not being what God had planned for me. I truly was heartbroken. Seriously. I looked at the next apartment with tears in my eyes because I had wanted that apartment so much. But, it wasn’t for me. That wasn’t in God’s plan.
I think this guy is actually like that apartment. He isn’t for me. I want him to be, but he is meant for someone else.
I have to move on. I have to have that same faith that God has someone just as amazing and totally suited for me just waiting to pursue me.
Which, by the way, is what I want. I want to be pursued. Big time. Just as much as God is pursuing me.
Example – Last night at church, I was feeling very down, like I wasn’t good enough, I didn’t do a good job singing and I didn’t deserve to be on the worship team. Yeah, I know, CRAZY thoughts. Anyway, my pastor got up to speak her message and she asked where I was. I raised my hand and proceeded to give me a wonderful word of encouragement that just melted my heart. God knew what I needed. I needed to hear those words. “You’re doing a good job.”
It’s a beautiful thing to know that God is pursuing me. That he loves me unfailingly and faithfully. Relentlessly.

This is my prayer – that I will know more of God’s love so that I may be ready for love. That when the time is right, God will make it obvious who I am meant to be with. Until then, strength and comfort and a quick moving on period!

 

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A writing challenge

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I never considered myself super smart or overly eloquent. The fact that I am blogging and writing my thoughts down when my thoughts are often too jumbled or lost in space whilst searching for the right word is practically a miracle. Perhaps I sell myself short. Perhaps I am far more intelligent than I think I am. Mind you, I don’t think I’m dumb by any means, but gosh, sometimes words are so hard to come by.  I fumble and falter when speaking. I take awkwardly long pauses when trying to remember a word that for some reason has left my brain in a state of borderline chaos. Ask my friends how long it takes for me to tell a story. I know that eventually they get bored with me speaking (at least, that is what I presume is happening) and move on to a new conversation, new quips, new jokes and a bunch of words that are spoken rapidly in succession. How do they do it so quickly and with such big words?? Then, I just give up on my story. My moment has passed.

Not today friends. My moment is here and at my fingertips. Literally. The Daily Post has given me (and all bloggers) a writing challenge. To write freely about a photo. Whatever it means to us. The photo above is entitled “Relaxation.”  I’d like to subtitle it and call it “Love.”  Yes, I see the peace and tranquility, but when I imagine myself in this man’s place I can only think of love. I think about how my much I loved going to a family friend’s cottage every summer as a kid, taking the paddle-boat out to the middle of the lake and letting myself sway to the movement of the water. I think about my trips to California to visit my sisters as a teenager and loving the breathtaking mountains of the desert. I think about how much I love laying on my back and soaking up the sun in a small park in NYC. I love letting the breeze play with my hair while thinking about everything and nothing as the clouds above me slowly make their way across the sky. I can’t help but think about how beautiful our earthly home really is – when I actually slow down enough to notice it. But, most of all, I think about how much I am loved by Jesus Christ. I know, I totally went there. But, oh man, He is doing some great things lately. I truly believe that I moved to NYC to be closer to Him. He knew all along that I would find Him here. Of ALL places! It would make sense if I had moved to the South! But NYC? He knew that was where I wanted to be, He knew that I wanted to start a life on my own, He knew that I wanted to find a church that I connected with, He knew that I was an actor (still am) and He knew how to get me into church. Especially THIS church. I walked in there and knew instantly. They met at a theatre, red curtains and all. The music was amazing and the preaching was out of this world. I had never taken notes in church before. I used to be so bored in church. I don’t think I ever paid attention. That might be a slight exaggeration, but only slight. Yes, I grew up in a Christian home, but eventually we just stopped going for some reason. I believed in God and always did my best to be a “good Christian” but honestly, the thought of actually being a real follower of Jesus Christ scared me. I remember thinking, “I’m an actor, am I going to be able to play all of the roles I want to play?” I didn’t want to be limited. Actually, a friend of mine recently asked me if I feel limited or restricted because I am a Christian. A year or two ago I might have said yes. But, now? No. Absolutely not. Quite the opposite, in fact. I cannot begin to describe the happiness, the joy and the FREEDOM that I feel. 2 Corinthians 3:17 says that the Lord is the spirit and where the spirit of the Lord is, there is freedom. I would like to add LOVE to that.

I am so thankful and blessed to be living in this city, being able to call Liberty Church my home and seeing all of the amazing things that God is doing in my life and in those around me.  Last night, my pastor Andi Andrew spoke about Jesus’ relentless love. She reminded me that Jesus loved us so incredibly deeply that no matter what was thrown His way (i.e. fasting for forty days in the desert while the devil tried to tempt Him) His focus was always on us and His love for us.  We do not deserve His love. I do not deserve his love. Yet, we have it because we have God and God IS love.
And you know what? Coming back to my original thought, I think that God loves my inability to tell a story sometimes. God knows I cannot always finish my prayers or find the right words to share with Him. It doesn’t matter to Him because He knows what is in my HEART and I love that.

~ I realize that not everyone will share my sentiments. But, that’s okay because we are all at different stages in our lives. I’m certainly not going to push anyone to go Church (but seriously, check Liberty Church out because it is ridiculously awesome and amazing and they have podcasts that you can listen to, vimeos to watch and even a live streaming of the 11am service, just shamelessly plugging) because I know that would totally turn me off. I simply invite you. Do it, don’t do it, ask me questions, don’t ask me questions – the choice is yours and I respect that.

As always friends – Enjoy!